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in the war on Christmas I would have been an Xmas soldier:
Watching FOX News these past weeks, as of course I do religiously, I've been utterly confused: why hasn't anybody asked me to sign up for the war effort? Where are these anti-christian warriors who must work in such great numbers that they don't need my assistance? Do I need to win my excommunication before I'll be trusted? Have I not been a good athiest? Have I demonstrated too much sympathy for The Enemy? Is my name on a public ledger somewhere for having given aid and comfort to a christian charity? Did I buy a coat at the Salvation Army?
Feelings of alienation and depression overwhelmed me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. Here, finally, was the war effort, the revolution! One I could support! Happy holidays! Merry f-in Xmas! To arms! And I can't even find the bandwagon to hop on.
There wasn't any place to sign up. So I figured the one or two percent of Americans that are my fellow athiests must be waging one of those "shadow wars" I heard so much about on FOX: fighting the good fight shrouded under a cloak of utter super secrecy against the tyrannical forces of extremist religious holidays, infiltrating their churches, sowing seeds of secularist abandon in their parishes, sneaking flagless aluminum festivus poles into their nativity scenes, heightening the contradictions of the Xmas Revolution by secretly inserting regulations regarding the wearing of pagan holiday colors into school uniform codes and spreading rumors of new company guidelines among store greeters nationwide to dechristianize the six weeks of gluttonny and avarice preceding the supposed birthday of some ancient fanatic "king of kings".
Now I find out from a former FOX producer that there's no war, not even in the shadows:
this “War on Christmas” (now in its second successful year) is a production of Fox News Channel -- the very network that has made accusation, recrimination and confrontation the gold standards of cable “news,” and whose personalities have fashioned a self-serving “war” out of whole cloth, thanks to a scattered handful of p/c dupes and a shameless management willing to use even Christmas for its own political ends.
Well that's lame. Next year we'll have to get our act together. A shadow war would be so much cooler than this shadow boxing stuff.